A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch."I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly Im looking for someone to do my worrying for me.""How do you mean?" says the accountant."I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters.""OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?""You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner."Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?""That," says the man, "is your first worry."

1. What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?Invite an accountant.

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2. Whats the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?Go into town and gang-audit someone.

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3. A patient was at her doctors office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

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4. Why accountants dont read novels?Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

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5. What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?Its 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......

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6. A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?"The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that Im 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and Im an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 62" tall, 225 pounds, and hes an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"The first guy says, "No, I dont want to have to explain it two times."

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7. Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?They can wear casual clothes to work

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8. An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldnt prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss.After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A f

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9. What does FCPA stand for?Finally Caught Pinching the Assets

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10. An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation."It was late at night" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings.""Im sorry," says the auditor, "but youll have to bear the cost yourself.""The cost of what?" asks the pilot."Of the bearings you lost."

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