A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

1. A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "Id like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."The genie responded, "Gee, I dont know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

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2. What do computer experts do at weekends?Go for a disk drive.

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3. I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but its got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."

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4. Customer: "Ive been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but theres a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time." Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?" Customer: "Of course I am. Thats why I bought it." Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?" Customer: "Dont get rude with me, of course I do." Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results." Customer: "I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it."

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5. A technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computers "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldnt be taken personally.

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6. What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night?No wonder you called the company Microsoft

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7. Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) On a Pentium, all of the above A: Number 4.

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8. - Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer? - Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

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9. A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $5." Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $50!"This catches the Programmers attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless

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10. Customer: "Hi, Im supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you. What should I pack it in?"

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