A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "Im a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. Were here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I dont have an opinion. Im a chartered accountant."

1. There are three kinds of accountants in the world.Those who can count and those who cant.

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2. Whats an accountants idea of trashing his hotel room?Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

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3. What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?Invite an accountant.

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4. How do you know accountants have no imagination?They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.

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5. Why did the auditor cross the road?Because he looked in the file and thats what they did last year.

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6. Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number twos hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "its that $50 I owe you."

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7. An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him."Hello," he said. "Im the auditor. Ive come to count the sheep."

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8. Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing concern. Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued but no-one was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation. As soon as Mr Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "The debit side is the one nearest the window."

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9. An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation."It was late at night" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings.""Im sorry," says the auditor, "but youll have to bear the cost yourself.""The cost of what?" asks the pilot."Of the bearings you lost."

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10. Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb? A: What sort of answer did you have in mind ?A: None-just assume its changed.

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