When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

1. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Shes 97 today and we dont know where the hell she is.

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2. A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."

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3. One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? Im not speeding. Im not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didnt deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman

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4. When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

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5. An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldnt remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didnt remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "Im so glad you called. I remembered saying yes to someone, but I couldnt remember who it was."

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6. Whats the best thing about turning 65?No more calls from insurance salesmen.

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7. "Grandma, why dont you drink tea anymore?" "I dont like it ever since that tea bag got stuck in my throat."

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8. Ive sure gotten old. Ive had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. Im half blind, cant hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Cant remember if Im 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida drivers license!

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9. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers ofthe floors listed above the elevator door. When askedif they needed any assistance with something, oneasked how they were going to be able to reach way upthere to push the button for their floor.

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10. How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!

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