The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

1. An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !"The four men didnt wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat.She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore

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2. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Shes 97 today and we dont know where the hell she is.

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3. The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife wereshopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the mansoldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceousblonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace,the friend asked "How in the hell did YOU land a wifelike that?" The old man whispered back, "Easy. I told her I was 90!"

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4. How can you tell that youre getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

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5. Ive sure gotten old. Ive had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. Im half blind, cant hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Cant remember if Im 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida drivers license!

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6. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish Id gotten to know you sooner!"

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7. Fred: I havent slept a wink for the past two nights. Harry: Whys that? Fred: Granny broke her leg. The doctor put it in plaster and told her she shouldnt walk upstairs. You should hear the row when she climbs up the drainpipe.

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8. An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."Patient: "OH NO! Thats awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"Doctor: "You also have Alzheimers. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

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9. A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."

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10. A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye."What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.""Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isnt it?"

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