A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:30 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have the y got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, theyre still doing nominating speeches for the foremans position!"

1. A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldnt make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, "When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way."

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2. If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

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3. A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlightsbroken and considerable damage. Theres no sign of theoffending vehicle but hes relieved to see that theres anote stuck under the windshield wiper."Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who sawthe accident are nodding and smiling at me because they thinkIm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But Im not."

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4. A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing atthe counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with heartsall over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all overthem.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man andasks him what he is doing. The man says "Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cardssigned, Guess who?""But why?" asks the man."Im a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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5. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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6. What is the proper weight for a lawyer?About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!

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7. If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyers.

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8. Youre trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

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9. A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney,feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle ofhundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied."The judgell kill me. Trying to bribe him! Were dead!""I dont think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the other lawyers name!"

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10. A man walks into a friend and sees that his friends caris total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,dirt and blood. He asks his friend,"Whats happened to your car?""Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer"."OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?""Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

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