How can you tell a lawyer is lying?Other lawyers l... joke

1. A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasnt a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

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2. A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:30 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see

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3. Whats the difference between a lawyer and an onion?You cry when you cut up an onion.

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4. A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing atthe counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with heartsall over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all overthem.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man andasks him what he is doing. The man says "Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cardssigned, Guess who?""But why?" asks the man."Im a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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5. At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another: "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants dont get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat wont do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

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6. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?None, theyd rather keep their clients in the dark.

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7. A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Dont worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Dont worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

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8. A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.He ran back to the White House and demanded the position. "Sorry," said the President, "but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes."

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9. Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

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10. Why dont lawyers enjoy playing golf?Because its too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.

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