What do you call an honest lawyer?An oxymoron.

1. Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, Im beginning to think I didnt."

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2. An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?""Its $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? Youll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?""Thats my business! Get me the course!"Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before its too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

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3. A man walks into a friend and sees that his friends caris total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,dirt and blood. He asks his friend,"Whats happened to your car?""Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer"."OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?""Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

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4. First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?Second person: No.First person: Good!

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5. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?A. From chasing parked ambulances.

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6. Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

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7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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8. Whats the difference between a lawyer and atrampoline?You should take your workboots off beforeyou jump on a trampoline.

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9. What do you call an honest lawyer?An oxymoron.

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10. It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got toheaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them toget married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it andagreed, but said they would have to wait.It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent forthem. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things wenton, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,that eternity was best not spent together. They went back toSt. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, butnow we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is thereany way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter."It took me a hundred years to get a pr

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