A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney,feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle ofhundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied."The judgell kill me. Trying to bribe him! Were dead!""I dont think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the other lawyers name!"

1. "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to her lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," lawyer replied, "Ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that easy question."

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2. Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

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3. "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man ofyour background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasnt under oath, Id return the compliment," replied the witness.

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4. An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?""Its $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? Youll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?""Thats my business! Get me the course!"Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before its too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

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5. What is the proper weight for a lawyer?About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!

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6. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The ranchers prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldnt resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldnt have won the case. The

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7. In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients! When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."

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8. Whats the difference between a lawyer and atrampoline?You should take your workboots off beforeyou jump on a trampoline.

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9. A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. "Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked."The side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

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10. Why dont lawyers play hide-and-seek?Nobody will look for them.

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