My husband and I divorced over religious differences.He thought he was God, and I didnt.

1. A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasnt planning on spending that much."

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2. The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained tothe Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.When she had finished, the husbands lawyer rose to his feet andcoolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typingof the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bedbored."

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3. Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None, the sockets go with the house.

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4. A hillbilly walked into an attorneys office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you dont understand, do you have a case?" Hillbilly: "No, I dont have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. Thats where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning." Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?" Hillbilly: "No shes a little white gal, but our last

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5. Regardless of what you may hear, theres still many women these dayswho are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce,they keep the house.

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6. What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common? They are four ways you can lose your house!

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7. Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

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8. A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself."Sorry, he doesnt live here anymore, were divorced!"Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! Were divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?""Oh, I know! I just cant hear it enough!"

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9. Two men are talking. The first sez, "I got married because I was tiredof eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearingshabby clothes.""Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very samereasons."

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10. I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife wont give him adivorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him ahappy man.

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