"Shhaaayyy, buddy, whats a Breathalyzer?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool."Well, Id have to say that its a bag that tells you when youve drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent."Ah hell, whaddya know? Ive been married to one of those for years!"

1. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

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2. A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I wont get worms!"

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3. A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00."But I paid, dont you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender cant keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, Ill take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that

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4. A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"Im sorry sir, but I cant serve you...youve already had too much to drink." The guy swears and walks out of the bar. Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer. Again the bartender says,"Im sorry, sir...but I cant serve you...youve already had too much to drink!" Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. Again, the bartender says to the man..."Im really sorry, sir, but youve had too much to drink...youre going to have to leave!" The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God, man... How many bars do you work

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5. A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. Im so mad, I cant even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why dont you let off a little steam and tell me why youre so upset?"So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if Id like to come back to her hotel to have dinner an

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6. A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet."Is this where Frank lives?" one of the drunks asked."Yes, it is," the woman replied."Well then," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?"

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7. An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replies -, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

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8. At the end of the night a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to kick her several times and when hes done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

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9. A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"The girl says, "I dont like this song, but even if I did, I wouldnt dance with you."The guy says, "Im sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

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10. Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We dont serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? Were cultured individuals."

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