Top Rated Jokes (50)

1. How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

Added over 10 years ago in Banana jokes  

2. A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husbands parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We dont necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Maam, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I dont want a divorce," she replied. "Ive never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he cant communicate with me!"

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

3. Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because theres lots of school spirit!

Added over 10 years ago in Halloween jokes  

4. Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heavens getting pretty close to full today, and Ive been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So whats your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while Ive suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didnt reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldnt you know it, he wouldnt fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldnt stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldnt stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "Its been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldnt hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now Im here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven w

Added over 10 years ago in Heaven and hell jokes  

5. Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation. To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did y ou cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation. A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "Im crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

Added over 10 years ago in Heaven and hell jokes  

6. Whats O. J. Simpsons Internet address? Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

Added over 10 years ago in Internet jokes  

7. A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

Added over 10 years ago in Money jokes  

8. A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared."I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said."Ive always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said.Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?""Well," said the salesman, "Ive always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

Added over 10 years ago in Salesmen jokes  

9. Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "Im returning on the next flight. Cant sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"

Added over 10 years ago in Salesmen jokes  

10. Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner.Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles.God asked Satan wha t he had created, but Satan said, "Ive got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?"God replied, "Everybody knows -- Jesus Saves."

Added over 10 years ago in Computer jokes  

11. A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $5." Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $50!"This catches the Programmers attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the firs t question: "Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Programmer doesnt say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer. Now, its the Programmers turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Programmer and asks "Well, so whats the answer?" Without a word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Added over 10 years ago in Computer jokes  

12. What do you call an aardvark good with a light saber?A darthvark!

Added over 10 years ago in Aardvark jokes  

13. What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark?Is that your final ant, sir!

Added over 10 years ago in Aardvark jokes  

14. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Added over 10 years ago in Answer me this jokes  

15. Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?

Added over 10 years ago in Answer me this jokes  

16. A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."The second was a social worker. She said, "I dont know the answer but Im glad we had time to discuss this important question."The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"He got the job.

Added over 10 years ago in Accountant jokes  

17. What do you call an ant who likes to be alone ?An independant !

Added over 10 years ago in Ant jokes  

18. What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics ?All sorts of antics !

Added over 10 years ago in Ant jokes  

19. What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle ?Your great-ant !

Added over 10 years ago in Ant jokes  

20. Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" "Thats what they say," said his Dad. "Well, give me an apple quick ? Ive just broken the doctors window!"

Added over 10 years ago in Apple jokes  

21. A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much t ime washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked."Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I dont need to wash my hands."The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"The flight attendant smiled, "I dont know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Added over 10 years ago in Aviation jokes  

22. "Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings..""OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"

Added over 10 years ago in Aviation jokes  

23. Theyre not going to grow bananas any longer. Really? Why not? Because theyre long enough already.

Added over 10 years ago in Banana jokes  

24. After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "Id like the best beer in the world, give me The King Of Beers, a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why arent you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys arent drinking beer, neither would I."

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

25. A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out! "Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!" The bartender does nothing. So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again. "Jesus! He just jumped again!" The bartender ignores the man. So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink. "How did you survive that jump?".."I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float." So the guy quickly orders a floatie drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and...SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk! The Bartender then say s, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when youre drunk."

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

26. Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says, "Why are men the same as parking lots". So the second lady says "I dont know?" So the first lady says, " all the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

27. The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "Thats not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "Thats not creative enough." Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

28. A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "Im sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

29. A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well Ill be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "Im very sorry. I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?" "I dont have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

30. A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didnt want to face the mans irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But b efore he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.Hes been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

31. John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "Im very sorry officer, I didnt realize it was out, Ill get it fixed right away."Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." So the officer asked for Johns license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." And again John apologized and mentioned that he didnt realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!" The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"Jessica replied, "only when hes drunk."

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

32. One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried."Whats the matter?" the bartender asks."My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isnt talking to me for a whole 31 days." The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isnt it a good thing that she isnt talking to you?" asked the bartender."Yeah, except today is the last night."

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

33. It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldnt walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasnt coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers."Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was."Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he."And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed."Where is your car now?" the t roopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage."May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

34. A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the mans friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing."Whats so funny?" the bartender asked."That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "Hes so drunk, he thinks hes me!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

35. A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "Whats that all about?"The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish.""Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didnt want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

36. Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldnt drive.No further testing is planned.

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

37. A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?""No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?""It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains."Whats it telling you now?" she asked."Well, it says youre not wearing any panties." he said.The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

38. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

39. A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey arent you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castros Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey arent you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castros Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then start s walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey arent you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castros Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

40. There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Shock Therapy Barbie ...car battery and wires included

Added over 10 years ago in Barbie doll jokes  

41. There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Tree Hugger Barbie ...pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric

Added over 10 years ago in Barbie doll jokes  

42. Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom. One said, I took my girlfriend to see The bride of Dracula last night.Oh yeah, said the other, what was she like ?Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs.The other said, Yes, but what was The Bride of Dracula like ?

Added over 10 years ago in Beauty jokes  

43. A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. "Whats wrong?" asked his mother. "Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?" he sobbed. "In a way they do," said his mother. "And when they die so they turn back to dust?" "Yes, they do." The little boy began to cry again. "Well, under my bed theres someone either coming or going."

Added over 10 years ago in Bed jokes  

44. How can you shorten a bed? Dont sleep long in it.

Added over 10 years ago in Bed jokes  

45. Why did the kid punch the bed?His mother told him to hit the hay.

Added over 10 years ago in Bed jokes  

46. What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose ?Bicycle petals !

Added over 10 years ago in Bicycle jokes  

47. What did the bicycle call its dad?Pop-cycle

Added over 10 years ago in Bicycle jokes  

48. Q: Why do bikes have kick-stands? A: Because theyre two-tired.

Added over 10 years ago in Bicycle jokes  

49. What birds spend all their time on their knees ? Birds of prey !

Added over 10 years ago in Bird jokes  

50. Why didnt the chicken skeleton cross the road ?Because he didnt have enough guts

Added over 10 years ago in Bird jokes  

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