Various Animal Jokes (182)

1. A boy at a cinema notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him "Are you a bear?""Yes""What are you doing at the movies ?""Well, I liked the book!"

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

2. A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, "I think its going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?" So off went junior for Fathers umbrella, but three days later he still hadnt returned. "I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat juniors ice cream before it melts." And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I wont go."

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

3. A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks,"What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

4. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

5. A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "Thats not good," and promised he wouldnt say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?"The bird said, "You know."

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

6. A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it "Hi Mr. Lion!" The other said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit?" The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?" The eagles then started to sing, "You cant hide your lion eyes".

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

7. A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why dont you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

8. A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vets diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking its head. "Its definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be L1000, please". "A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "Theres my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

9. A skunk family had two little skunks they called In and Out. One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk, Father Skunk and young Out spent hours looking for him, getting more worried all the time. In the end the parents went home to have a cup of tea, but Out said hed continue searching for a while. Half an hour later he returned home, with a tired In following behind him. However did you find him? asked Father Skunk.In-stinct, replied Out.

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

10. A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who cant help laughing and eventually says "Dont you know there arent any apples on the tree yet?" "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

11. A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the caves roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me." He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Well I didnt!"

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

12. An old lady was considering buying a squirrel fur coat. "But will it be all right in the rain?" she asked anxiously. "Oh certainly, maam," said the manager smoothly. "After all, youve never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?"

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

13. Are shellfish warm? No theyre clammy!

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

14. Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think its time to tell him hes adopted."

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

15. Did you hear about the argumentative skunk?He always liked to make a stink!

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

16. Did you hear about the boy who was told to do 100 lines? He drew 100 cats on the paper. He thought the teacher had said lions.

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

17. Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws?It costs an arm and a leg to eat there!

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

18. Did you hear about the skunk who sat on a fan?He got cut off without a scent!

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

19. Did you hear about the whale who couldnt keep a secret?He was a blubber mouth!

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

20. Did you hear the joke about the skunk?Never mind, it stinks!

Added over 10 years ago in Various animal jokes  

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