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Sport Jokes 
1.
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jacks wife Tracy."Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesights gotten so bad, Icouldnt see where the ball went.""Youre seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why dont you take my brother Scott along?""But hes eighty-five and doesnt even play golf anymore," protested Jack."Yes, but hes got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you,"Tracy pointed out.The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" asked Jack."Yup," Scott answered."Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance."I forgot."
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2.
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I cant find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?""Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
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3.
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?""Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didnt hurt."
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4.
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!" The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?" "Its a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!" "Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?" "No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it." "Well, what if you hit it into the woods?" "Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed." "Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?" "No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! Im telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!" The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?" "I found it."
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5.
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!" The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?" "Its a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!" "Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?" "No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it." "Well, what if you hit it into the woods?" "Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed." "Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?" "No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! Im telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!" The golfer buys it at once . "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?" "Ummm, I found it."
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6.
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game."I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said."What do you mean?" he asked."Well, everyone kept yelling, Get the quarter back!"
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7.
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "Its not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "Its not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "Its not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since youve had a cigarette?""Ten years!", he says.She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since youve had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, thats fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since youve had some real fun?" And the man replies, "Wow! Dont tell me that youve got golf clubs in there!"
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8.
A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?"Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter"They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"
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9.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: Whats with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I dont know, but Ive never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Lets have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, whats with that group ahead of us? Theyre rather slow, arent they? George: Oh, yes, thats a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: Thats so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if theres anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why cant these guys play at night?
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10.
A true story, according to the LA Times.....Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"Wilkins replied, "I dont know and I dont care!"
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11.
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didnt hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didnt waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age Id hit the ball right over that tree." With that chal lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
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12.
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a drivers windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldnt make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think Ill close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
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13.
Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today."Ill do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
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14.
Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied, "Whats so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."
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15.
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked."Youll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!""Really? Howd you do that?" "I dropped the ball."
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16.
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding ?They got jellygated !
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17.
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?They got jellygated!
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19.
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball."I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.""Batted .007," his wife added.
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20.
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, thats awful!" "Youre not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
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21.
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"Caddy: "The way you play, sir, its a sin any day of the week!"
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22.
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
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24.
Golfer: "Id move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."Caddy: "Try heaven. Youve already moved most of the earth."
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25.
Golfer: "Ive played so poorly all day; I think Im going to go drown myself in that lake."Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
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26.
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. Its distracting!"Caddy: "This isnt a watch, sir, its a compass!"
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27.
Golfer: "That cant be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."Caddy: "Its a long time since we started, sir."
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29.
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!Caddy: "I didnt realize you had played before, sir."
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35.
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ?Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !
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36.
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
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38.
How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.
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41.
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors favor, the home quarterback blew his top.How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
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42.
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.Joe asked "whats wrong?" Its a small, small world Joe, and youre fired"
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43.
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet ?Player: I finished it in three days !
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44.
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?Player: I finished it in three days!
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45.
Manager: Ill give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a years time?Young player: OK, Ill come back in a years time!
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46.
Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder playerFan: Whys that?Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
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47.
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom ?Captain: Well, it could have been worse.Manager: How ?Captain: There could have been more teams in the league !
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48.
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?Captain: Well, it could have been worse.Manager: How?Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
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49.
Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isnt an award.Its an appointment!
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51.
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
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52.
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
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53.
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
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54.
Q: What did the football say to the football player?A: I get a kick out of you.
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55.
Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
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56.
Q: Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
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57.
Q: Whats the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: Ones a glueless kit and the others a clueless git!
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60.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that weve got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and thats all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "Weve got all the umpires."
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61.
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "well call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. Well make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We cant lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
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62.
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson."Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t? she asked the instructor."P-u-t-t is correct, he replied."Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
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63.
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopeys alive!"
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64.
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wifes seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"Im so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didnt give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "Theyre all at the funeral."
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65.
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.Making sure the professor wasnt watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. Whats the answer to the last question?"Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadnt noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, youre so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.""Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tinys should er again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?""You are really dumb, Bubba. Thats so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
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66.
Tysons psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didnt say two!
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70.
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?Sorry, it was a freak hic!
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73.
What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles? He makes a swish!
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82.
What is black and white and black and white and black and white?A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
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112.
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?All of them, a crossbar cant jump!
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116.
Why are football grounds odd ?Because you can sit in the stands but cant stand in the sits !
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117.
Why are football grounds odd?Because you can sit in the stands but cant stand in the sits!
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118.
Why are football players never asked for dinner?Because theyre always dribbling!
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119.
Why arent football stadiums built in outer space?Because there is no atmosphere!
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120.
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch ?He was the skipper !
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123.
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear ?Because he liked sole music !
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130.
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?They prefer cricket matches!
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131.
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games ?So that they can pack the defence !
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132.
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?So that they can pack the defence!
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133.
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?Because education pays off in the long run!
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134.
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?They tend to go cheep!
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135.
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?They might be cheetahs!
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136.
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
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137.
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game ?It was a cup draw !
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138.
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?It was a cup draw!
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