Old Age Jokes (67)

1. "Grandma, why dont you drink tea anymore?" "I dont like it ever since that tea bag got stuck in my throat."

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

2. "Whats wrong, sonny?" asked the old timer sympathetically, coming overto the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out."Im crying cause I cant do what the big boys do!" So the old man sat down and wept too.

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

3. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish Id gotten to know you sooner!"

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

4. A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I cant see to pour the coffee." "I cant turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy." "I guess thats the price we pay for getting old." "Well, its not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

5. A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"He thinks a second and he says, "Its a nice-a day!"

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

6. A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

7. A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

8. A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Whos the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the mans wife said. "Heres your chicken." said the farmer.

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

9. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

10. A strained voice called out through the darkenedtheater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her,"Good, are any of you doctors single and interested ina date with a good, Jewish girl?"

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

11. A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye."What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.""Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isnt it?"

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

12. A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-u p job on the trash cans.After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recessions really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street."Look," he said, "I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace.

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

13. A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up jo b on the trash cans.After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recessions really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street."Look," he said, "I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace.

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

14. A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldnt help noticing how happy you look," she said. "Whats your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "Thats amazing," the woman said. "How old are you? "Twenty-six," he said.

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

15. A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didnt have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. Weve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Its his turn with the teeth."

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

16. A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in hercabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by seasickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor andheaded for the bathroom. It was not until she collidedwith an elderly gentleman that she realized she didnthave a stitch of clothing on. Horrified, she let out ashriek. Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly."Dont let it bother you, miss," he moaned. "Ill neverlive to tell anyone."

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

17. An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Dont you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know youll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I dont need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

18. An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how hes feeling. "Ive never been better!" he replies. "Ive got an 18-year-old bride whos pregnant and having my child! Whatdo you think about that?"The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy whos an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day hes in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.""So hes in the woods," the doctor continues, "and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest.""Thats impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said."Exactly."

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

19. An American tourist found himself in a sleepy country village, and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant. "Well, sir," replied the villager, "we aint got one now. He died last week."

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

20. An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." Then his wife asked him, "Dont you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" "No, I can remember that." "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had bett er write that down cause I know youll forget that," his wife said. "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I dont need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

Added over 10 years ago in Old age jokes  

Random Joke Trending Jokes Top Rated Jokes