Marriage Jokes (207)

1. "And hows yer wife, Pat?" "Sure, she do be awful sick." "Is ut dangerous she is?" "No, shes too weak t be dangerous anymore!"

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

2. "Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

3. "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man."Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"remarked his friend."Im not bitter. Now that Im so improved, she just isnt good enoughfor me."

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

4. "Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."Did he get anything." his mates asked."yeah, a broken jaw and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

5. "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didnt go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I dont feel like cooking fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fools thinking about getting married."

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

6. "I bet you dont know what day this is", said the wife toher husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that,he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened thedoor, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmedred roses.At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favoritechocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designerdress. The woman couldnt wait for her husband to come home.The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfiedthat he had recovered what could have been a very badsituation. His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then thechocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "Ive neverhad a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

7. "I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend."I gave a poor beggar $25.""Thats a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your husband say?""He said, Thank you. "

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

8. "Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?"she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes."I dont know, but I promise Ill never do it again."

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

9. "The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told his best friend Mike. "Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an affair?" his friend suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, we are almost on the begining of the 21st centrury, Brian. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "Ive tried that many times - it never worked."

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

10. "Well, Mrs. OConnor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. OConnor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. OConnor, looking puzzled. "Oim always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "What Im trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. OConnor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. "What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure its because the man cant hold an intelligent conversation."

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

11. "Will the father be present during the birth?"asked the obstetrician."Nah," replied the mother-to-be,"He and my husband dont get along."

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

12. "You and your husband dont seem to have an awful lot incommon," said the new tenants neighbor. "Why on earthdid you get married?""I suppose it was the old business of opposites attract,"was the reply. "He wasnt pregnant and I was."

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

13. A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? Ill be home in 1 hour to pick them up." A week later he returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked."Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.""No I didnt," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

14. A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boys nervousness builds.He remembers his fathers advice, and chooses the first topic.He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his fathers suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his fathers advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a br other, would he like spinach?"

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

15. A bum asks a man for $2.The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"The bum said, "No."The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"The bum said, "No."Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife cansee what happens to a man who doesnt drink or gamble?"

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

16. A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper,"The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony"

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

17. A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to thedoctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me thefirst time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctorreplied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and saysomething to her. If she doesnt reply move about 5 feet close and say itagain. Keep doing this so that well get an idea about the severity of herdeafness".Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. Hestarts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is choppingsome vegetables and says, "Honey, whats for dinner?" He hears no response.He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feetcloser. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, aboutan inch away, and asks again, "Honey, whats for dinner?"She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

18. A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunnedfor a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

19. A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule." "We hadnt gone too far when my wifes mule stumbled. My wife quietly said Thats once. We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: Thats twice. We hadnt gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead." "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, Thats once."

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

20. A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. "When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "You know what?" "What, dear?" his wife asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."

Added over 10 years ago in Marriage jokes  

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