Marriage Jokes
1. "And hows yer wife, Pat?" "Sure, she do be awful sick." "Is ut dangerous she is?" "No, shes too weak t be dangerous anymore!"

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2. "Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

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3. "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man."Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"remarked his friend."Im not bitter. Now that Im so improved, she just isnt good enoughfor me."

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4. "Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."Did he get anything." his mates asked."yeah, a broken jaw and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

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5. "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didnt go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I dont feel like cooking fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fools thinking about getting married."

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6. "I bet you dont know what day this is", said the wife toher husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that,he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened thedoor, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmedred roses.At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favoritechocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designerdress. The woman couldnt wait for her husband to come home.The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfiedthat he had recovered what could have been a very badsituation. His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then thechocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "Ive neverhad a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

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7. "I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend."I gave a poor beggar $25.""Thats a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your husband say?""He said, Thank you. "

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8. "Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?"she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes."I dont know, but I promise Ill never do it again."

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9. "The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told his best friend Mike. "Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an affair?" his friend suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, we are almost on the begining of the 21st centrury, Brian. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "Ive tried that many times - it never worked."

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10. "Well, Mrs. OConnor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. OConnor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. OConnor, looking puzzled. "Oim always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "What Im trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. OConnor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. "What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure its because the man cant hold an intelligent conversation."

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11. "Will the father be present during the birth?"asked the obstetrician."Nah," replied the mother-to-be,"He and my husband dont get along."

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12. "You and your husband dont seem to have an awful lot incommon," said the new tenants neighbor. "Why on earthdid you get married?""I suppose it was the old business of opposites attract,"was the reply. "He wasnt pregnant and I was."

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13. A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? Ill be home in 1 hour to pick them up." A week later he returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked."Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.""No I didnt," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"

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14. A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boys nervousness builds.He remembers his fathers advice, and chooses the first topic.He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his fathers suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his fathers advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a br other, would he like spinach?"

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15. A bum asks a man for $2.The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"The bum said, "No."The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"The bum said, "No."Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife cansee what happens to a man who doesnt drink or gamble?"

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16. A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper,"The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony"

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17. A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to thedoctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me thefirst time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctorreplied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and saysomething to her. If she doesnt reply move about 5 feet close and say itagain. Keep doing this so that well get an idea about the severity of herdeafness".Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. Hestarts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is choppingsome vegetables and says, "Honey, whats for dinner?" He hears no response.He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feetcloser. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, aboutan inch away, and asks again, "Honey, whats for dinner?"She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

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18. A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunnedfor a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

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19. A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule." "We hadnt gone too far when my wifes mule stumbled. My wife quietly said Thats once. We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: Thats twice. We hadnt gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead." "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, Thats once."

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20. A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. "When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "You know what?" "What, dear?" his wife asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."

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21. A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product Im referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

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22. A family was having dinner on Mothers Day. For some reasonthe mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband askedwhat was wrong."Nothing," said the woman.Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, whats wrong?""Do you really want to know? Well, Ill tell you. I have cookedand cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on MothersDay, you dont even tell me so much as "Thank you.""Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gottena Fathers Day gift.""Yes," she said, "but Im their real mother."

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23. A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. Hed give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

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24. A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

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25. A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Fatherasked, "Does this fellow have any money ?"The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike."sighing deeply, she replied, "Thats exactly what he asked me aboutyou."

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26. A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-linedating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck andhe said hed quit -- seems theyd matched him up with his wife.

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27. A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying outthe casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

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28. A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna finda fake Jeep?"

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29. A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.Whats up? he says.Im having a heart attack, cries the woman.He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says, `Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Teds hiding in your wardrobe and hes got no clothes on!The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.You jerk, yells the husband, my wifes having a heart attack and youre running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!

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30. A guy is dating three women and cant decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up marrying? The most beautiful one..

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31. A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casinoand finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags.I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."His wife say, "Thats wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"He says, "I dont care, just be gone when I get home."

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32. A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can youloan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are youusing to gamble with?"The guy replies, "Oh, Ive got gambling money."

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33. A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to asserthimself. "You dont have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her youre the boss." The husband decided to take the doctors advice. He wenthome, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wifes face, and growled, "From now on youre taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?""I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

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34. A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go onthe Ferris wheel, but the husband wasnt comfortable with that. So thewife went on the ride by herself.The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown outand landed in a heap at her husbands feet."Are you hurt?" he asked."Of course Im hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didntwave once!"

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35. A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, well never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,"the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts." He continued, "She communicates well and I act like Im listening."

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36. A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, hewatches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee."Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just cant believe it.""What cant you believe ?" asked the detective, "Its all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log.""I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just cant believe my wife could be that much fun."

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37. A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several yearsbefore the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walkedabout 10 feet behind their husbands.She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walkedseveral yards behind their wives.She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This ismarvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achievethis reversal of roles?"Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

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38. A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by theusher. "Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked."Certainly not," she snapped, "Im the grooms mother."

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39. A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"His mom replies, "The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life."The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

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40. A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts.""Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

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41. A little kid comes running into the backyard.He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!""Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please dont make me smile."

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42. A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the womans horse mis-steps and jostles the mans wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "Thats one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.A bit further down the path, the womans horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "Thats two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.As the afternoon sun began to set, the womans horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the womans horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front o f the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "Thats three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "Thats terrible, why would you do such a thing!"The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "Thats one!"

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43. A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, Ive had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.Well, you know how she is. "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. "You were perfectly right. "You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

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44. A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. Shelooks surprised and says, I dont have a headache!"He says, "Aha!"

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45. A man calls his family doctor:man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.doctor: Ok, bring her in and Ill try to help.man: Fine, but whatever you do, dont cure her.

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46. A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises frominside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floorof the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am havinga heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call thedoctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy,there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closetdoor and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it,my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scarethe kids"!!!

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47. A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his bestfriend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "MyGod Pete !!! I more-or-less have to, but YOU ???"

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48. A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a party, and after a few drinks,he suggested that they might have another try at marriage. His ex-wifesneered in reply, "Over my dead body !"He downed his drink and replied, "Well, I see you havent changed onelittle bit."

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49. A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is soproud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" inspite of her objections.One night they go to a party. The man decides that its time to gohome, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. Heshouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back,"Anytime youre ready, Father of Four!"

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50. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, hes finished.

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51. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I dont wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than Ive ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wifes first husband."

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52. A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June.""Yes, this is June.""Will you marry me?""Of course I will! Whos this?"

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53. A man took his wife to the doctors.After a short examination the doctor said"Your wifes mind has completely gone!"To which the man replied "Im not surprised.Shes been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

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54. A man was complaining to a friend."I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!""What happened?" asked the friend."My wife found out."

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55. A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.A farmer replied, "Joes mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.""Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends.""Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."

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56. A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one morestep a car will run over you and you will die."The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife.""But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker."I got married again," the man sobbed."Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

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57. A married couple was in a terrible accident where the womans face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldnt graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the womans new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you d id for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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58. A mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

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59. A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-laws death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.He replies, "Dont take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."

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60. A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But, officer," the man began, "I can explain""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.""But, officer, I just wanted to say""And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!"A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.""Dont count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "Im the groom."

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61. A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply."Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddys brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddys wife.So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmothers mother. Dont forget that my stepmother is my r stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wifes grandson.But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since Im married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wifes grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

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62. A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks tohis wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take tosay "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "Im sorry" ?

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63. A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "Youre what?!?"

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64. A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife whenhe found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shother instead of her lover, he replied,"Ah, msieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than adifferent man every week?"

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65. A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At herwedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. Noneof the other women in the office even noticed.Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy !!! Its sowarm in here today, I think Ill take off my ring."

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66. A wealthy man sat in his attorneys office."Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"the lawyer asked."Give me the bad news first.""Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.""Thats the bad news?" the man asked incredulously."I cant wait to hear the terrible news.""Its of you and your mistress."

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67. A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Dont unleash the beast in me."The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, dear, Im not the least bit afraid of a mouse."

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68. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you dont follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. "Dont burden him with chores. Dont discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "He said youre going to die," she replied.

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69. A woman and her lover are on the bed in the womans home, whenall of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close."Oh, no, its my husband!"The man says, "Wheres your back door?""We dont have a back door" says the woman.The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"

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70. A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "Its in case I should die before my husband. Im sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

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71. A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but dont you think this is enough?" The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."

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72. A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

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73. A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband. "But why did you stab him over a hundred times?" asked the judge. "Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant, "I didnt know how to switch off the electric carving knife."

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74. A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?""Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

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75. A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things Id ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! Youve got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please dont make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "Im so embarrassed, theyre just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

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76. A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, youd better be a little boulder."

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77. A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriendhad proposed but she had turned him down because she foundout he was an atheist, and didnt believe in Heaven or Hell."Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the twoof us, well show him just how *wrong* he is."

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78. Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didnt have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didnt have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

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79. After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamedthat you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentines day. Whatdo you think it means?""Youll know tonight." he said.That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it tohis wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled"The meaning of dreams"

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80. After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonights concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, dont I?"

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81. After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain andAbel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boysasked, "Whats that?" Adam replied, "Boys, thats where your mother ateus out of house and home."

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82. After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey ?" "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime !"

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83. An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."

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84. An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and inthe center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and startedto rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and hesaid "I want to know the person you hate the most"The explorer said "Thats gotta be my ex-wife. Why?""I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever youwish for your ex-wife will get double the amount.""OK, I wish for a billion dollars""Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion""I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tenniscourts, everything""Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with astick and said "Ya see this stick, Id like you to beat me half to death."

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85. An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. YOUR LOVING HUSBAND P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

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86. An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels. "Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you." "If yer reverencell tie them together, yell soon change yer mind."

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87. An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practic ed black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

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88. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can removea "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me theexact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation"I now pronounce you man and wife".

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89. As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but Ive slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

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90. As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outsidea Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "Shes not from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered..... "Ill give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "shes not for sale." After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

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91. At a friends wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

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92. At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didnt know there would be women on the jury. Since I cant even fool my wife, Ill never be able to fool the four women jurors."

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93. At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends."The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if thats all you want, get a TV!"

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94. Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?"Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"Witness: "Because my name is Susan."

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95. BARTENDER: I think youve had enough, sir.DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy!BARTENDER: Well, it must be hard losing a wife....DRUNK: It was almost impossible!

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96. Before we got married, I caught her in my arms.Now I catch her in my pockets.

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97. Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didnt.marr

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98. But lets get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding ? Ahusband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometercontrols the weather.

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99. Casey married a rich widow, but they didnt get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasnt for my money, that new television wouldnt be here. If it wasnt for my money, that grand piano wouldnt be here. If it wasnt for my money, this house wouldnt be here." Casey mumbled, "If it wasnt for your money, I wouldnt be here."

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100. During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, Ill give you $100 if youll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where Im to promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever, Id appreciate it if youd just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the grooms vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" Th e groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

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101. Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party andsneered, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."The wife simply sighed and replied, "Yes, dear, I know, but I was inlove and didnt really notice."

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102. For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I cant wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, "Im going to come back and get you"

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103. Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second Guy: "Thats nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You havent said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. Whats the deal?" Fourth Guy: "I dont want to talk about it. Lets just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

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104. Hey, you just shot my wife.Im so sorry, have a shot at mine !

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105. How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull?Marry her !

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106. Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

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107. Husband: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?Wife: Your sense of humor.

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108. I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive differentcars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their owncomputers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses andHome Pages. They say theyre doing everything they can to keep theirmarriage together.

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109. I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.

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110. I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I cant break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.""What is she doing?", the pal asks."Waiting for me to get home."

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111. If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you,what have you usually done wrong? Made her chain too long.

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112. In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.Since then, weddings have been held there, and times havent changed at all!

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113. In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver sawa woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, andcouldnt bear passing her by. He completed the job for her,and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, littlelady, thats done!" "Quiet," she ordered him. "Youll wakeup my husband. Hes taking a nap in the back seat."

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114. In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You dont love me any more...." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

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115. Its for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her.""Gee...Thats terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

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116. Its not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

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117. Its not what you say, but the way you say it.On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."The girl was very flattered.What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

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118. Ive got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.

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119. Ive never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. Mysecretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there itwas, on the back of a kitchen chair.

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120. Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place."Its just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?""Probably that I married you for your money."

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121. Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.Now, why cant you do that?""Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."

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122. John: "Im a man of few words."Bill: "Im married, too."

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123. Larrys barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurancecompany ...Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesnt work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.Susan, after a pause: Id like to cancel the policy on my husband.

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124. Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he senthis wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reasonfor his haste he shivered and replied: "Im afraid that if I shouldever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try torepossess me."

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125. Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.

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126. Marriage is a three ring circus: - Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

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127. Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring... Wedding ring... Suffering!!!

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128. Marriage is natures way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.

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129. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

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130. Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits today.""What! In the obituary column! Thats not only disgraceful but bad journalism. Ill sue em.""Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you calling from?"

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131. Moe: My wife converted me to religion.Joe: Really?Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didnt believe in hell.

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132. Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband ishaving an affair with his secretary.""I dont believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped."Youre just saying that to make me jealous !!!"

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133. Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through." So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??" Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!" With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, Im married to your sister."

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134. Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them." Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."

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135. My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wifehired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were infact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, butto see if I could find out what she saw in ya."

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136. My wife sez that Im too extravagant; that if anything ever happens to her, Ill have to beg. I told her Id be fine. I mean look at all the experience Ive got.

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137. Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didnt figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadnt. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, "Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?" He replied, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box." Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. "But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?" she asked. "Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it."

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138. Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up.Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!"Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I am the husband!"

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139. Not that my wifes the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, Im so happy to meet you. Im your husbands new secretary."Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH ? Really ? Were you ???"

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140. NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?SAGE: Clever men dont BECOME husbands!

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141. Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "Youre next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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142. Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When Im dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."Wife: "No, I cant marry anyone after you."Johnson: "But I want you to."Wife: "But why?"Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

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143. Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying."Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves."The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldnt be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"So the old man says, "I know! Im crying because I dont remember where I live!"

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144. On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profitfrom the mistakes of another?" "Absolutely not!" replied the pastor. "In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if youd considerreturning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and melast July."

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145. Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didnt think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I dont want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

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146. One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked, "If I died, would you remarry?" Peter thought for a second then said "Yeah I guess I would". Then his the wife asked, "well would you have her as your golfing partner?" Peter replied, "yep I probably would do that too". "But surely you wouldnt give her my clubs?!", she cried. Peter looked at her and said, "Nah, shes left handed."

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147. One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked upbehind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said, "Imgoing to kiss you if you cant tell me who I am in three guesses."She quickly answered, "George Washington! Thomas Jefferson!Abraham Lincoln!"

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148. Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is thatas both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around thehouse.Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

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149. Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

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150. Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?A. Theyre hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they dont work.

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151. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?A. Shoot him again.

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152. Q: How do you know when youre at a hillbilly wedding?A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.

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153. Q: How is a marriage like a hot bath?A: Once you get used to it, its not so hot.

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154. Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?A: Newlywebs.

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155. QUESTION: Do you know what is honeymoon? ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

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156. QUESTION: What is honeymoon? ANSWER: That brief span of time between, "I do" and "Youd better!"

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157. QUESTION: Why should a honeymoon only be six days? ANSWER: Because seven days makes a whole week.

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158. Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyonewho would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for twoweeks leave in which to get married."But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didnt you getmarried then ?""What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.

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159. Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "Theres a classified ad here where aguy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Seasons more than half over," he said.

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160. She was two thirds married once.What do you mean ?Well, she turned up, the Minster turned up, but the groom didnt !

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161. Some people ask the secret of Anthonys long marriage.They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

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162. Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. "Im sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?" "Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars." "Well now, thats not bad for a man who couldnt read or write." "Nor swim either," added the widow.

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163. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?Father: I dont know son, Im still paying for it.

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164. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesnt know his wife until he marries.Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

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165. The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk ofalcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. "I assume," shebarked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting inat six oclock in the morning?""There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."

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166. The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, brightas a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the conceptof marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

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167. The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "hes been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even thats not worth so much celebrating!"

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168. The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper."Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. Im sure youll miss your mother being gone."

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169. The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "Ivefound a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what doyou want from me, sympathy?"

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170. The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in thesentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering herhusband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for himtrying to make his client appear more sympathetic to theJudge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact"about the whole thing all during the trial."Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morningwhere you felt pity for your husband ?""Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied."And when was that?" pressed the attorney."Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."

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171. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, Ive lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

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172. The man told his doctor that he wasnt able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "youre just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".

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173. The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, were going to be three in this house instead of two."Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "Im glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

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174. The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoytheir two week vacation/honeymoon.The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hiJimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Onceinside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! Imgoing to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."

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175. The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan."Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldnt hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes?" asked the instructor."Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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176. The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determinedto track down the father to extract revenge."Was it my friend Sam", he demanded."No !" his weeping wife replied."Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked."NO !!!" she said even more upset."Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked."Dont you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

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177. The wedding was over, and the reception was in full swing. Dave an usher, was having a great time with other members of the wedding party. His wife, Betty was not. "Dont be to mad at Dave," a friend told her. "He did a terrific job. Id be glad to have him usher at my wedding." "Yeah," Betty replied, "I wish he had been an usher at mine."

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178. The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens."It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?""Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner!"

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179. The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed, "Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires.""Sorry John." she replied. "Im not ready to settle down yet. And besides, you cant buy my love, but if the price is right, I might see my way clear to rent you some."

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180. There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldnt find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now youre cheating on me with a bald woman!"The next night, when she didnt smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "Shes not only bald, but shes too cheap to buy any perfume!"

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181. There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... What about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife ?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.His friends were amazed ! "What happened then ?" they asked, almost inunison."Well, then she said, Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man ! " he admitted.

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182. They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadnt been talking to each other.Instead, they were giving each other written notes.One evening he gave her a paper where it said:"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 oclock.Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:"Wake up, its 6 oclock!"

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183. This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two yearsago that I lost my dear wife and children.Ill never forget that game of cards...

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184. This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefullyenjoying himself,when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of hishead with a hugefrying pan.Man: "What was that for?"Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the nameMarylou written onit?"Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?Marylou wasthe name of one of the horses I bet on."The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.Three days later he isonce again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying panswatting.Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"Wife: "Your horse called."

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185. Today is my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Really?Yes, Ive been married twenty-five times!

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186. Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldnt stop! The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just dont listen. How do you do that? Says the other. Its easy! I turn off the light!

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187. Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "Whats wrong?"The depressed one replied, "Ive been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away."The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."And the other said, "Oh, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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188. Two men are having an awfully slow round ofgolf because the two ladies in front of themmanaged to get into every sand trap, lake, andrough on the course, and they didnt bother towave the men on through, which is proper golfetiquette.After two hours of waiting and waiting, one mansaid, "I think Ill walk up there and ask thosegals to let us play through." He walked out tothe fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped,turned around and came back, explaining, "I cantdo it. One of those women is my wife and the otheris my mistress. Maybe youd better go talk to them."The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfwaythere and, just as his partner had done, stopped,turned around and walked back.He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"

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189. Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders.He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

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190. Two men were remembering their wedding days. "It was dreadful," said Fred. "I got the most terrible fright." "What happened?" asked Harry."I married her," replied Fred.

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191. We have a young married couple in the neighborhood who are trulyinseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and adog.

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192. What happened at the cannibals wedding party? They toasted the bride and groom.

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193. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?Theyre married.

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194. Whats the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?Get married on his birthday.

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195. Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irishfuneral?One less drunk.

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196. When Joes wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isnt worth living. I think Im gonna top myself.""Dont be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet Im happy.""How?" asked Joe."Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?""I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

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197. When Mr. Maxwells wife left him he couldnt sleep."She took the bed!"

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198. Where did the burgers go after their wedding?On a bun-eymoon!

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199. Why did the 280-pound girl marry the 400-pound man?She wanted a big wedding.

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200. Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day?Because she never marries the best man.

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201. Why was the broom late ? It over swept !

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202. Wife, opening mail, to spouse: "The bank says that this is our last notice. Isnt it wonderful that theyre not going to bother us anymore?

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203. Wife: "Do you think of me when youre away darling?"Husband: "Yes honey, I always bare you in mind."

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204. Wife: Who was that on the phone?Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.Wife: What did he say?Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...

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205. You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.

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206. Young Actor: Dad, guess what? Ive just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man whos been married for 30 years. Father: Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day youll get a speaking part.

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207. young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that Ive got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? Ive managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but shes bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that Ive got really bad breath? Ive been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as hes lived with me for a week, hes bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, Ive a c onfession to make."And she says, "So have I, love."To which he replies, "Dont tell me, youve eaten my socks."

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