Lawyer Jokes Category

1. "Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older librarian, "Ive just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.""Well," replied the librarian, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."

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2. "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to her lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," lawyer replied, "Ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that easy question."

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3. "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man ofyour background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasnt under oath, Id return the compliment," replied the witness.

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4. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The ranchers prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldnt resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldnt have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the t rain went through your ranch that morning. I didnt have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, Ill tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

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5. A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasnt a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

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6. A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didnt!"

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7. A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted."Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he came to. "Youve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

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8. A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Dont worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Dont worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

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9. A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing atthe counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with heartsall over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all overthem.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man andasks him what he is doing. The man says "Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cardssigned, Guess who?""But why?" asks the man."Im a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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10. A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:30 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have the y got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, theyre still doing nominating speeches for the foremans position!"

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11. A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "Thats Strange!"

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12. A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlightsbroken and considerable damage. Theres no sign of theoffending vehicle but hes relieved to see that theres anote stuck under the windshield wiper."Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who sawthe accident are nodding and smiling at me because they thinkIm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But Im not."

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13. A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. "Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked."The side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

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14. A local United Way office realized that it had neverreceived a donation from the towns most successful lawyer. The personin charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to thecommunity in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment andreplied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dyingafter a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times herannual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no.""-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to awheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out anapology but was interrupted, "-or that my sisters husband died in atraffic accident," the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leavingher penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep,completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, thelawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I dont give any money to them,why should I give any to you?"

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15. A man walks into a friend and sees that his friends caris total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,dirt and blood. He asks his friend,"Whats happened to your car?""Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer"."OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?""Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

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16. A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.He ran back to the White House and demanded the position. "Sorry," said the President, "but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes."

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17. A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldnt make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, "When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way."

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18. A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney,feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle ofhundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied."The judgell kill me. Trying to bribe him! Were dead!""I dont think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the other lawyers name!"

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19. A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested."Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

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20. An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?""Its $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? Youll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?""Thats my business! Get me the course!"Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before its too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

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21. At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another: "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants dont get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat wont do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

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22. Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

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23. Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

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24. First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?Second person: No.First person: Good!

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25. Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear"? Its about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

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26. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?Other lawyers look interested.

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27. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?Cut the rope.

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28. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?None, theyd rather keep their clients in the dark.

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29. How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?Only one if you run him through slowly!

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30. How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?Never enough.

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31. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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32. If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

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33. If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyers.

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34. If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

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35. If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then...Hey, come to think of it, thats not a bad idea.

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36. In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients! When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."

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37. It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got toheaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them toget married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it andagreed, but said they would have to wait.It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent forthem. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things wenton, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,that eternity was best not spent together. They went back toSt. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, butnow we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is thereany way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter."It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marryyou. I will never get a lawyer!"

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38. Lawyer: "Let me give you my honest opinion."Client: "No, no. Im paying for professional advice."

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39. Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, Im beginning to think I didnt."

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40. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?A. From chasing parked ambulances.

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41. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?A: It might be your bicycle.

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42. The bartender asks him "Whatll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "Thatll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I dont owe you anything for this".A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, hes got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartenders not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But dont ever let me catch you in here again".The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I cant believe youve got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? Ive never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "Im nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

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43. The first lawyer questioning a panel of prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" they stiffened and hesitated.Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

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44. What do lawyers do after they die?They lie still.

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45. What do you call an honest lawyer?An oxymoron.

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46. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

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47. What is the proper weight for a lawyer?About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!

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48. What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?Lawsuits.

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49. Whats the difference between a lawyer and an onion?You cry when you cut up an onion.

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50. Whats the difference between a lawyer and atrampoline?You should take your workboots off beforeyou jump on a trampoline.

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51. Where is the best place to hide a lawyer?In a brief case.

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52. Why didnt Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyers heart? Because even Cupid cant hit a target that small!

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53. Why dont lawyers enjoy playing golf?Because its too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.

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54. Why dont lawyers play hide-and-seek?Nobody will look for them.

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55. Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

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56. Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the third thing they look up?Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is "snake." And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."

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57. Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?New Jersey had first choice.

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58. Youre trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

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