Idiot And Fool Jokes (149)

1. "Can you read Chinese?" "Yes, but only when its printed in English."

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

2. "How come youre only watering half your lawn?" a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident. "I just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain."

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

3. "Say, your house is burning.""Thats okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one."

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

4. "What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris?" "He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise."

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

5. "Why do rednecks act like such morons? "Who says theyre acting?"

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

6. A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary schools drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

7. A boy went into the local department store where he saw a sign on the escalator - Dogs must be carried on this escalator.The boy then spent the next tow hours looking for a dog.

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

8. A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, Ill give you both of em!"

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

9. A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, "Dont dive ? theres no water in that pool!" "Thats all right," said the man. "I cant swim!"

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

10. A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked the look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its feet. "What are they for?" he asked the pet shop manager. "Ah well, sir," came the reply, "thats a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see, hes a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in the circus. If you pull the string on his left foot he says Hello and if you pull the string on his left foot he says Goodbye." "And what happens if you pull both strings at once?" "I fall off my perch, you fool!" screeched the parrot.

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

11. A silly boy spent the afternoon with some friends, but when the time came for him to leave, a terrific storm started with thunder, lightning and torrential rain.You cant go home in this, said one of his friends, youd better stay the night.Thats very kind of you, said the boy. Ill just run home and get my pyjamas.

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

12. A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the schools "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

13. A stupid glazier was examining a broken window. He looked at it for a while and then said, "Its worse than I thought. Its broken on both sides."

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

14. A stupid man was struggling out of his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him, "Hello, Harry. Where are you going with that then?" And Harry replied, "Im taking it to the store to have it measured for a new tablecloth."

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

15. According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

16. After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

17. An army sergeant told Private Perkins to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned. "I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the NCO. "Why did you come back?" "Because theres already somebody there!"

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

18. An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where Im going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

19. An idiotic laborer was told by an equally idiotic foreman to dig a hole in the road. "And what shall I do with the earth, sir?" asked the laborer. "Dont be daft, man," he replied. "Just dig another hole and bury it."

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

20. An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

Added over 10 years ago in Idiot and fool jokes  

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