Humor Jokes (205)

1. "Do you love me more than you love sleep?""I cant answer now. Its time for my nap!"

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

2. A Counselor saw a camper sitting alone. Why dont you play with your friends? he asked.Because I only have one friend, the girl replied. And I hate her.

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

3. A gang of witches broke into a blood bank last night and stole a thousand pints of blood. Police are still hunting for the clots.

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

4. A girl walked over to her neighbors for her morning chat session. When she got there, her neighbor remarked how tired she looked. "Yeah" she said, "I didnt sleep well last night, I had this really strange dream." "Do tell" said her neighbor, pouring the coffee. "Well, I dreamed I woke up and went downstairs as usual, but when I looked in the mirror my face had turned orange, and my hair was sticking straight up out of my head and was green!" "Sounds like you turned into a punk rocker or something" the neighbor said, with a grin. "No" she said, "It wasnt like that. It was as if I knew something was wrong, but it seemed normal somehow, you know what I mean?" "Sure" said the neighbor, "Everybodys had dreams like that." "Well anyway" she continued, "I decided to go down and get the mail, because even in my dream, I figured I must be dreaming, so what the heck if I was orange, you know? So I walk down and get my mail, and I keep feeling everybody looking at me! "Then I get a good look at myself in the big window in front of the store, and Ill be darned if I wasnt a carrot! It was such a shock I stumbled backwards and got hit by a truck driven by that nice doctor down the street. The last thing I remember before I woke up was him bending over me, telling me his diagnosis." "Wow" laughed the neighbor, "Did you live?" "Yeah, I lived" sighed the girl, "But the doctor said Id be a vegetable the rest of my life."

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

5. A guy goes to a girls house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as hes standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.He picks it up, and as hes looking at it, she walks back in. He says "Whats this?"She says, "Oh, my fathers ashes are in there."He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."She says, "Yeah, hes too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

6. A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

7. A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He does it with a mirror" or "Hes got it up his sleeve." The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with f uel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up," he squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

8. A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a friend asked, "how much did you pay for that?""I paid through the nose!" he replied

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

9. A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work."Its just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and Ill have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."His friends at work agree: "Why dont you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."He looks at them, stunned: "You know, youre probably right, but I just cant give up the glamour of show business!"

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

10. A man walks into a palm reader store and asks the reader, "Could you read my palm?" He shows his hand to her, and she says, "But...I cant read your hand.""Why?" the man asks."I dont understand your handwriting," the woman replies.

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

11. A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just cant do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

12. A man went in to the bank and asked to see the man who arranged the loans. Im sorry, sir, said a cashier, the loan arranger is out to lunch. Can I speak to Tonto, then? asked the man.

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

13. A monastery in the English countryside was having a hard time with its cash flow because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work. Then one day two of the monks, who had been discussing the problem, suggested they open a fish and chips stand down on the highway, right next to a scenic vista area popular with tourists. The other monks agreed, and the two put up the stand. One day a tourist who wanted to offer a compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish friar?" "No, sir," retorted the brother, "Im the chip monk."

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

14. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

15. A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldnt it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. nThey were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wifes dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where hes been all this time. He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, were almost there!"

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

16. A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guys photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him."Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didnt come after all."

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

17. A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the banks underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5000. and the interest which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us , is why would you bother to borrow $5000 ?" The woman replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

18. A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didnt you tell me you were a banker?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

19. A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young familys 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough, all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "Ive been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"? "I will if those useless morons at the lumber yard ever bring us the f****** bricks", replied the little girl.

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

20. A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in loveand going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, Im goingto bring over three women and you try and guess which one Imgoing to marry."The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful womeninto the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat fora while.He then says,"Okay, Ma. Guess which one Im going to marry."She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle.""Thats amazing, Ma. Youre right. How did you know?""I dont like her."

Added over 10 years ago in Humor jokes  

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