CATEGORIES
Jokes Home Random Joke Accountant Jokes Bald Jokes Bar Jokes Beauty Jokes Birthday Jokes Blonde Jokes Book Title Jokes Business Jokes Computer Jokes Dentist Jokes Dinosaur Jokes Divorce Jokes Doctor Jokes Food Jokes Halloween Jokes Internet Jokes Knock Knock Jokes Lawyer Jokes Marriage Jokes Money Jokes Old Age Jokes Political Jokes Salesmen Jokes Spelling Jokes Sport Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Zodiac Jokes Zoo Jokes
MORE CATEGORIES
Food Jokes 
1.
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We justtell them straight out that theyre going to die."
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
2.
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
3.
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didnt throw out the pest."Oh, I really dont care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We dont even have an air conditioner."
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
4.
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didnt throw out the pest."Oh, I really dont care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We dont even have an air conditioner."
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
5.
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
6.
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
7.
A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered two slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts.Would you like a cherry on the top ? asked the waitress.No, thanks, said the girl, Im on a diet !
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
8.
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldnt be eating here."
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
10.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldnt find one big enough for her family.She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"The stock boy replied, "No maam, theyre dead."
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
11.
A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered."Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special.""Whats a Midnight Special?""A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread.""Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?""Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
12.
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
13.
A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in Ireland. "Ill have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard you the first time," came the reply.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
14.
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.""Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadnt heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
15.
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.""Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadnt heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
16.
An irate woman burst into the bakers shop and said, "I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest you check your scales." The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "Maam, I suggest you weigh your son."
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
17.
And whats your name?" the secretary asked the next new boy. "Butter." "I hope your first names not Roland," smirked the secretary. "No, maam. Its Brendan."
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
18.
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: Is this pig?Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: Which end of the fork are you referring to?
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
19.
At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after egg from a little boys ear. "There!" he said proudly. "I bet your Mum cant produce eggs without hens, can she?" "Oh yes, she can," said the boy. "She keeps ducks."
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
20.
Boy: Whats black, slimy, with hairy legs and eyes on stalks? Mom: Eat the cookies and dont worry about whats in the tin.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
21.
Camper: Theres something wrong with my hot dog.Cook: Dont tell me. Im not a veterinarian.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
22.
Did you hear about the teacher who was trying to instil good table manners in her girls? She told them that a well brought girl never crumbles her bread or rolls in her soup.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
25.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking Im a slice of bread. Doctor: Youve got to stop loafing around.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
26.
Dont eat the cookies so fast theyll keep. I know, but I want to eat as many as I can before I lose my appetite !
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
27.
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries - thats my girl. Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
28.
Flo: Try some of my sponge cake. Joe: Its a bit tough. Flo: Thats strange. I only bought the sponge from the chemist this morning.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
30.
Fred! What did I say Id do if I found you with your fingers in the butter again? Thats funny, Mom. I cant remember either.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
31.
Fred: I thought there was a choice for lunch today. . Cook: There is. Fred: No, there isnt. Theres only cheese pie. Cook: You can choose to eat it or leave it.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
32.
Girl: Did you like that cake, Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Yes, very much. Girl: Thats funny. My mom said you didnt have any taste.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
33.
Have you got any broken biscuits? Yes, I have. Well, you shouldnt be so clumsy!
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
36.
How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup? Read the label.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
37.
How do you know that a elephants been in the fridge? There are foot prints in the butter. "
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
39.
How does a witch make scrambled eggs? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
40.
I thought you were trying to get into shape?I am. The shape Ive selected is a triangle.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
41.
I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking. What did he say? He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate. Did that do any good? No - I cant get the chocolate to light.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
43.
If there were no food left, what could people do?Country people could eat their forest preserves and city people could have their traffic jams.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
44.
In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the mans mouth.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
45.
Jimmy, how many more times must I tell you to come away from that cookie tin? No more, mom. Its empty.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
46.
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?Johnny: Its because I saw one on daddys lettuce, but now its gone.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
50.
Knock KnockWhos there !Butter !Butter who ?Butter wrap up - its cold out here !
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
51.
Mom: Fred, there were two chocolate cakes in the larder yesterday, and now theres only one. Why? Fred: I dont know. It must have been so dark I didnt see the other one.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
52.
Mummy! Mummy! Have you seen my Cabbage Patch Doll? Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
53.
My Aunt Maud had so many candles on her last birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt !
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
54.
My brothers on a seafood diet. Really? Yes, the more he sees food the more he eats.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
55.
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
56.
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.Tom wasnt happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
59.
Q. Whats worse than finding a worm in the apple youre eating?A. Finding half a worm.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
61.
Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
62.
Q: What did one strawberry say to the other?A:"Look at the jam youve gotten us into!"
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
66.
Say something soft and sweet to me. Dracula: Marshmallows, chocolate fudge cake...
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
67.
Several women were discussing what they should have for dinner. "If youre watching your weight," came one suggestion, "those diet frozen dinners are good." The man then added: "But get two. Theyre small."
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
69.
Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch, what fruit would it remind you of? Pupil: A pear.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
70.
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?" "Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
74.
Three cookies were crossing the road when the first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he reached the pavement in safety? Crumbs!
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
75.
Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are we running so fast?" asked one. "Because," said the second, "it says tear along the dotted line!"
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
76.
Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. "Why are we running so fast?" asked one. "Because," said the second, "it says tear along the dotted line!"
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
78.
What are the four food groups?For bachelors: Fast, Frozen, Junk and Spoiled.For drinkers: Malt, Hops, Barley and Yeast.For heavies: Caffeine, Fat, Sugar, Chocolate.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
81.
What could you do if you were on a desert island without food or water? Open your watch: drink from the spring, and eat the sand which is (sandwiches) there.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
83.
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?"Hes a real fun guy [fungi]."
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
85.
What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner? Thank you, Ill just have a slither.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
90.
What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter of a pound of ground beef? A humburger.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
95.
What happens if you play tabletennis with a bad egg? First it goes ping, then it goes pong.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
107.
Whats the difference between a biscuit and a monster? You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big to fit in the cup.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
108.
Whats the difference between a homeless and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
109.
Whats the difference between a vampire and a cookie? You cant dip a vampire in your tea.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
112.
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?""Why, its bean soup," she replied."I dont care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
113.
Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine? They keep repeating themselves.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
115.
Why cant you make bread like my mother? I would if you could make dough like your father!
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
118.
Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun? Because she had her nose in a hamburger.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
119.
Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory?Because he went crackers.
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
120.
WIFE: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?"HUSBAND: "No thanks. Im too tired. Lets just eat at home."
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →
121.
WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.HUSBAND: Which is this?
- RATE / SHARE →
- RATE / SHARE →