Dog Jokes (250)

1. A Chihuahua was shopping in a mall when another shopper walked up to it and started talking. Didnt I see you on a TV commercial? How am I supposed to know what you watch on TV?

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

2. A hound dog and a dalmation were sitting in an Internet cafe and thedalmation said to the hound, "Hey, check out my web site!" The hound askedfor the address and the dalmation responded,"www.dalmation.dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot.

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

3. A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I cant hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still cant give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

4. A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said "Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please dont be like that, Im trained and I wont cause any trouble!" The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and its owner. After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog "Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left.When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone. The barman said "Its ok hes gone down to the bakery for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK hes never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the str eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way, he went down and there was his dog having its wicked way with a lady poodle. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "Youve had me worried sick, whats the matter with you youve never dissapeared like this before!" The dog replied "Ive never had a fiver before!"

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

5. A man and his son were shovelling the driveway after a heavy snowfall when their dog, Lady, wandered away from them. Man, fearing the dog might be hit by car, shouted angrily: "Lady! Lady! Get over here right now!" The dog charged happily back over to them, accompanied by a commuter who had been standing at the bus stop. "Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" she asked.

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

6. A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, "Pssst you come over here!" He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. "yes over here!" Said the greyhound "Look at me Im tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?" The man thought to himself "Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the owner.He found the owner and said "Id like to buy your dog, is he for sale??" The owner says "No mate you dont want that old moth eaten thing!" "But I do!" Insisted the man "Illl give you 1000 pounds for him. "Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing over the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied "Because that dogs a bloody liar its never won a race in its life!"

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

7. A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!"

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

8. A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well," said the vet "lets have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet "Im going to have to put him down." "Just because hes cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because hes heavy," says the vet.

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

9. A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. "That is a very smart dog," the man commented. "Hes not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

10. A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said Im sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

11. Advertisement: Dog for sale. Really gentle. Eats anything. Especially fond of children.

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

12. Alsation: How come you are always so well behaved when you go on a walk with your master? Chihuahua: Its the leash I can do!

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

13. Alsation: How did you find the fleas? Beagle: I didnt! They found me!

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

14. Alsation: Ill see you shortly. Chihuahua: Okay, but dont call me "Shortly!"

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

15. Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you? Chihuahua: No, I was playing throw with her!

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

16. Alsation: What is your favorite holiday? Chihuahua: Howloween!

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

17. Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping trips? Chihuahua: I like to "ruff it!

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

18. Dad, I spotted a Dalmatian! No need to, it already has its own spots!

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

19. Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does! What does it do? It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare! What? Yeah, it says, "To bark or not to bark that is the question!" and keeps on barking!

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

20. Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dogs name was "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which he did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog, "Apothecary", could do better yet. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this without a hitch. All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the fellows what you can do, old buddy." Coffee Break then stroll ed over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.

Added over 10 years ago in Dog jokes  

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