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Dog Jokes 
1.
A Chihuahua was shopping in a mall when another shopper walked up to it and started talking. Didnt I see you on a TV commercial? How am I supposed to know what you watch on TV?
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2.
A hound dog and a dalmation were sitting in an Internet cafe and thedalmation said to the hound, "Hey, check out my web site!" The hound askedfor the address and the dalmation responded,"www.dalmation.dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot.
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3.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I cant hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still cant give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".
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4.
A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said "Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!" The dog said "Oh please dont be like that, Im trained and I wont cause any trouble!" The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and its owner. After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog "Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread??" "Sure!" Replied the dog. The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left.When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone. The barman said "Its ok hes gone down to the bakery for me" The owner was livid "It IS NOT OK hes never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the str eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way, he went down and there was his dog having its wicked way with a lady poodle. "ROVER!" Shouted the owner "Youve had me worried sick, whats the matter with you youve never dissapeared like this before!" The dog replied "Ive never had a fiver before!"
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5.
A man and his son were shovelling the driveway after a heavy snowfall when their dog, Lady, wandered away from them. Man, fearing the dog might be hit by car, shouted angrily: "Lady! Lady! Get over here right now!" The dog charged happily back over to them, accompanied by a commuter who had been standing at the bus stop. "Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" she asked.
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6.
A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, "Pssst you come over here!" He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. "yes over here!" Said the greyhound "Look at me Im tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?" The man thought to himself "Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the owner.He found the owner and said "Id like to buy your dog, is he for sale??" The owner says "No mate you dont want that old moth eaten thing!" "But I do!" Insisted the man "Illl give you 1000 pounds for him. "Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing over the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied "Because that dogs a bloody liar its never won a race in its life!"
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7.
A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!"
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8.
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well," said the vet "lets have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet "Im going to have to put him down." "Just because hes cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because hes heavy," says the vet.
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9.
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. "That is a very smart dog," the man commented. "Hes not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
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10.
A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said Im sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.
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11.
Advertisement: Dog for sale. Really gentle. Eats anything. Especially fond of children.
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12.
Alsation: How come you are always so well behaved when you go on a walk with your master? Chihuahua: Its the leash I can do!
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15.
Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you? Chihuahua: No, I was playing throw with her!
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17.
Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping trips? Chihuahua: I like to "ruff it!
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19.
Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does! What does it do? It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare! What? Yeah, it says, "To bark or not to bark that is the question!" and keeps on barking!
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20.
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dogs name was "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which he did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog, "Apothecary", could do better yet. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this without a hitch. All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the fellows what you can do, old buddy." Coffee Break then stroll ed over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
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21.
How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer? With dog diskettes!
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32.
How did the dogs owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast?He foamed at the mouth.
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33.
How did the dogs owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast?He foamed at the mouth.
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36.
How do you find your dog if hes lost in the woods ?Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark !
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37.
How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?Put him in your back yard.
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38.
How do you make a dog float?Take two scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.
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42.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. Its fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. Hes an East German Shepherd.
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44.
If a beagle cant play a bugle in the marching band, whats his other favorite instrument to play? A trombone.
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45.
My dog is great at math. Really ? Ask him how much is two minus two. But two minus two is nothing! Thats what hell answer, nothing!
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46.
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind dates door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "Ill be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why dont you play with Rollo while youre waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, hell jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Pauls date walked out. "Isnt Rollo the cutest, happiest dog youve ever seen?" "To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
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50.
Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? - A: Put him in the front seat.
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59.
Q: When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house? - A: When the door is open.
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60.
Q: Whens the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk? - A: Anytime he wants to go.
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62.
Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? - A: So that they didnt have to bend down to pet it.
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63.
Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? - A: Because you cant bury them in the sky!
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66.
Small girl: Id buy that dog, but his legs are too short! Clerk: Too short ? Why, all four of them touch the floor.
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67.
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him. He drove around the neigbourhood for some time with no luck. Finally he stopoed beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog. "You mean the one following your car?" they asked.
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68.
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says tothe other, "I hearthat the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in oil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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69.
Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.Second woman: I know.First one: How?Second one: My dog told me.
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70.
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, thats him," he replied. The stranger couldnt help but be amused. "That certainly doesnt look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
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71.
What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives? A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!
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72.
What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy ?"I must throw that doggie out the window !"!
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74.
What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him?Bit him, naturally.
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75.
What did the dog do with the history professor?They got together and talked over old times.
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79.
What did the dog take when he was run down?The license number of the car that hit him.
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82.
What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road? Look out for the mice!
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91.
What do you call a dog with no legs ?It doesnt matter what you call him, he still wont come !
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93.
What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow ?Slush puppies !
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95.
What do you call a sheepdogs tail that can tell tall stories ?A shaggy dogs tale !
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99.
What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones ?Hush puppies !
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101.
What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller ?A computer with a lot of bites !
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102.
What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah ?A dog that chases cars - and catches them !
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103.
What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep ?A sheep that can round itself up !
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104.
What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole ?A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree !
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105.
What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog ?A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!
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106.
What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo?A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead !
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108.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog ?An animal that barks at low flying aircraft !
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109.
What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise ?A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper !
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110.
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena ?I dont know but Ill join in if it laughs !
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113.
What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk ?A Great Dane out !
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114.
What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet? A Lassie who plays brassie!
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- 134.
What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic ?His bark was much worse than its bite !
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135.
What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine?He made a spectacle of himself.
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138.
What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table ?He gets splinters in his mouth !
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148.
What is black and white and red all over? A Chihuahua in a tuxedo that tripped into a jar of salsa!
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150.
What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk? A Chihuahua on vacation with an elephant.
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152.
What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions? A Chihuahua, because it knows all the shortcuts!
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153.
What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection? A pointer!
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155.
What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella?The umbrella can be shut up.
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156.
What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?If you dont know you must lose a lot of mail.
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157.
What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog ?Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!
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158.
What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog ?Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!
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180.
What looks like a dog, sounds like a dog, eats like a dog, but isnt a dog?A pup.
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182.
What should you do if you find an angry 500-pound dog in your kitchen?Eat out.
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183.
What should you do if you have a basset hound over for dinner? Have a short table!
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185.
What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick?You should know more than your dog.
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191.
What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a dog?A hen that lays pooched eggs.
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192.
What would you get if you crossed a chicken with a dog?A hen that lays pooched eggs.
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195.
When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs? Only when they snap at something!
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198.
When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around? They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"
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201.
When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ?When the door is open !
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202.
When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do?Take the words right out of his mouth.
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218.
Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head?The tomato was in a can.
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219.
Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye?Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.
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224.
Why did the dog sleep so poorly?By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!
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226.
Why did the dogs owner think his dog was a great mathematician?When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.
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227.
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail ?He was trying to make both ends meet !
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228.
Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund?He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.
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229.
Why didnt the dog play cards on his ocean cruise?Because the captain stood on the deck.
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230.
Why didnt the dog speak to his foot ?Because its not polite to talk back to your paw !
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231.
Why didnt the dog speak to his foot ?Because its not polite to talk back to your paw !
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232.
Why do Chihuahuas have such short necks? Because their heads are so close to their bodies!
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235.
Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?One good turn deserves another.
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238.
Why does a d dog scratch himself?He is the only one that knows where it itches.
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239.
Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night?Because hes the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.
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240.
Why doesnt a dog ever have a nose 12 inches long?Because then it would be a foot.
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241.
Why is a dog like a baseball player?He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.
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242.
Why is a dog like a baseball player?He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.
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244.
Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s?He puts down the three and carries the one.
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245.
Why is it called a "litter" of puppies ?Because they mess up the whole house !
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247.
Why should you never watch a video with a Chihuahua? It always plays with the "paws" button on the VCR.
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249.
Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or a tiger?Id rather have him chase the tiger.
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