Doctor And Nurse Jokes (174)

1. "Doctor, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? Ive heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.""Dont worry, it wont happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

2. "Doctor, doctor!" said the panic-stricken woman, "my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and hes swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?""Quite simple," said the doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husbands mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite haul it out.""Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. Ill go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cods head.""What do you want a cods head for?""Oh- I forgot to tell you. Ive got to get the cat out first!"

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

3. "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.""And did he?""Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

4. "What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. "Im a nurse." "I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear. "That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

5. "Why are you so excited?", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized."But doc, this is my first operation.""Really? Its mine too, and I am not excited at all."

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

6. 1) Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

7. A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "dont get excited, dont get mad, and forget about baseball when youre off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"Doctor: Tell him I cant see him now. Next.

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

8. A coffin was being moved when it fell off a wagon, and started down the hill. One of the morticians started chasing it. As it rolled past the hospital, the mortician yelled to one of the nurse practitioners walking by, "Doc, quick, give me something to stop this coffin."

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

9. A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!Nurse: What is it?Doctor: Its a big building with a lot of doctors, but thats not important now!

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

10. A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You arent so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion."

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

11. A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands."Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?""I dont see why not," replies the doctor."Thats funny," says the man. "I wasnt able to play it before."

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

12. A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead."Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor."Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead."Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?""Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?""OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

13. A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

14. A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

15. A man walks into a doctors office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear."Whats the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.The doctor replies, "Youre not eating properly."

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

16. A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didnt help.On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt do any good.On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.""But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, Ill get pneumonia.""I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

17. A man who was very upset walked in to see his doctor. "Doctor, youve got to help me!" he wailed. "What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor. "I keep having the same dream, night after night. Theres this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I cant get it open." "What does the sign say?" asked the Doctor. "Pull," said the patient.

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

18. A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

19. A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds."Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?""No," replied one of the doctors. "Were doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

20. A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?" The nurse replied, "Oh, shes quite dopey." One of the friends said, "We know that, but how is she healthwise?"

Added over 10 years ago in Doctor and nurse jokes  

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