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Doctor And Nurse Jokes 
1.
"Doctor, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? Ive heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.""Dont worry, it wont happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."
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2.
"Doctor, doctor!" said the panic-stricken woman, "my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and hes swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?""Quite simple," said the doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husbands mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite haul it out.""Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. Ill go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cods head.""What do you want a cods head for?""Oh- I forgot to tell you. Ive got to get the cat out first!"
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3.
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.""And did he?""Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
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4.
"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. "Im a nurse." "I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear. "That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."
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5.
"Why are you so excited?", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized."But doc, this is my first operation.""Really? Its mine too, and I am not excited at all."
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6.
1) Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.
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7.
A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "dont get excited, dont get mad, and forget about baseball when youre off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"Doctor: Tell him I cant see him now. Next.
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8.
A coffin was being moved when it fell off a wagon, and started down the hill. One of the morticians started chasing it. As it rolled past the hospital, the mortician yelled to one of the nurse practitioners walking by, "Doc, quick, give me something to stop this coffin."
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9.
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!Nurse: What is it?Doctor: Its a big building with a lot of doctors, but thats not important now!
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10.
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You arent so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion."
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11.
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands."Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?""I dont see why not," replies the doctor."Thats funny," says the man. "I wasnt able to play it before."
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12.
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead."Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor."Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead."Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?""Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?""OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
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13.
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."
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14.
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"
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15.
A man walks into a doctors office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear."Whats the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.The doctor replies, "Youre not eating properly."
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16.
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didnt help.On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt do any good.On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.""But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, Ill get pneumonia.""I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
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17.
A man who was very upset walked in to see his doctor. "Doctor, youve got to help me!" he wailed. "What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor. "I keep having the same dream, night after night. Theres this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I cant get it open." "What does the sign say?" asked the Doctor. "Pull," said the patient.
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18.
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
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19.
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds."Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?""No," replied one of the doctors. "Were doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
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20.
A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?" The nurse replied, "Oh, shes quite dopey." One of the friends said, "We know that, but how is she healthwise?"
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21.
A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."
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22.
A pipe burst in a doctors house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I dont even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
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23.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain."Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman."What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."Dentist: $100.00.Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
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24.
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on deaths door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you dont understand," they said, "Dad hasnt walked in over a year!"
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25.
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, youre always washing your hands."She then says, "I bet youre an anesthesiologist."Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"Female doctor: "I didnt feel a thing."
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26.
Camp Doctor: Your cough sounds better today!Camper: It should, I practised all night!
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27.
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?It took her two weeks to realize that she wasnt at work anymore!
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28.
Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street?They were arch enemies.
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29.
Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois? The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them.
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32.
Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!What, you mean those square ones?Yes!The ones you put butter on?Yes!Oh, Youre Crackers!
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36.
Doctor Doctor I think Im a moth.So why did you come around then ?Well, I saw this light at the window...!
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37.
Doctor Doctor I think Im a moth.So why did you come around then?Well, I saw this light at the window...!
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38.
Doctor Doctor Im so ugly what can I do about it?Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!
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39.
Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ?Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !
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40.
Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking?Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!
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41.
Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...Whats wrong with them?They keep slipping out from under my arms!
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45.
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then youll have a bad headache.
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46.
Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do?Saw the legs off of your bed!
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48.
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.I see your point! Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?Well, I ouldnt start watching any new soap operas!
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53.
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffeeHave you tried taking the spoon out?
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55.
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.Dont worry, its just a bug thats going around !doc
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56.
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.Dont worry, its just a bug thats going around!
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59.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a dog.Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.But Im not allowed up on the couch!
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60.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a frogWhats wrong with that I think Im going to croak
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64.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a snake about to shed its skin.Why dont you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!
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65.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a snake about to shed its skinWhy dont you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then !
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69.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im GodWhen did this start ?Well first I created the sun, then the earth
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70.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im GodWhen did this start?Well first I created the sun, then the earth...
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73.
Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in What about a matchbox !
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74.
Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in What about a matchbox!
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77.
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glassesYou certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
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78.
Doctor, Doctor I think Im a bell?Take these and if it doesnt help give me a ring!
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79.
Doctor, Doctor I think Im a bridgeWhats come over you?Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
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80.
Doctor, Doctor I think Im a butterflyWill you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
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81.
Doctor, Doctor I think Im a dog.How long have you felt like this?Ever since I was a puppy!
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83.
Doctor, Doctor I think Im a python You cant get round me just like that you know!
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84.
Doctor, Doctor I think Im a rubber bandWhy dont you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
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85.
Doctor, Doctor I think Im a snailDont worry well soon have you out of your shell!
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87.
Doctor, Doctor I think Im an adder Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!
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90.
Doctor, Doctor I think Im turning into a frogYour just playing too much croquet!
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95.
Doctor, Doctor Im having trouble with my breathing.Ill give you something that will soon put a stop to that!
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96.
Doctor, Doctor Im on a diet and its making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.Oh dear, thats a lot of calories !
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97.
Doctor, Doctor Im on a diet and its making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.Oh dear, thats a lot of calories!
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99.
Doctor, Doctor Ive broke my arm in two places Well dont go back there again then!
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100.
Doctor, Doctor Ive got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet.Sounds like youve got Foot and Mouth disease!
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104.
Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his fatherNever mind just so long as hes healthy!
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105.
Doctor, doctor my babys swallowed a bullet Well dont point him at anyone until I get there!
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107.
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!Hmmmm. Lets hope nothing develops.
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109.
Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!Well tell her to come inI cant she doesnt stop at this floor!
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110.
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?Use a pencil till I get there
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112.
Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?You have a broken finger!
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113.
Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?You have a broken finger!
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114.
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ?I never make rash promises !
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115.
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?I never make rash promises!
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117.
Doctor, Doctor Youve got to help me - I just cant stop my hands shakingDo you drink a lot?Not really - I spill most of it!
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118.
Doctor, Doctor youve taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still dont feel well.Thats quite enough out of you !
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119.
Doctor, Doctor youve taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still dont feel well.Thats quite enough out of you!
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120.
Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue?Why?Because Ive been at my computer all day and Ive got a splitting headache!
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122.
Doctor, Doctor, I cant get to sleep. Sit on the edge of the bed and youll soon drop off.
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124.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis.Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?
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125.
Doctor, Doctor, my little brother thinks hes a computer.Well bring him in so I can cure him.I cant, I need to use him to finish my homework.
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126.
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam. Youre too tents.
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127.
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!Stick your foot out and trip it up!
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129.
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
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131.
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?Patient: Yes.Doctor: Well, youve got it again!
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132.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?Nurse: No change yet.
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133.
Doctor: You need new glasses Patient: How do you know?, I havent told you whats wrong with me yetDoctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!
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134.
Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.Patient: Thats because youve got your hand on my watch!
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135.
Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.Patient: Thats because youve got your hand on my watch!
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136.
Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasnt much left.
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137.
How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility? Shes the one with dirty knees.
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138.
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
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139.
How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?None, they just have a nursing assistant do it.As much as the doctor orders.
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140.
How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?None - They just have a nursing assistant do it.
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141.
How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
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142.
How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.
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143.
Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.
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144.
Jack went to see the camp nurse. I fell last night, he said. And I was unconscious for eight hours.The nurse was shocked. How awful. What happened?I fell asleep!
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145.
Jack: "My brother was sick and went to the doctor."John: "Is he feeling better now?"Jack: "No, he has a broken arm."John: "How did he break it?"Jack: "Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window."John: "How did he break his arm?"Jack: "He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription."
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146.
Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.Doctor: Oh, really?Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
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147.
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!Doctor: Dont panic. Hell be alright.Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!
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148.
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
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150.
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
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151.
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.Doctor: How do you feel?Patient: A little down in the mouth.
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152.
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
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153.
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?Doctor: Sell!
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154.
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. Im under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.Doctor: Tell me about your problem.Patient: I just did, didnt I, you stupid fool!!
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155.
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.Doctor: Didnt the new glasses help?Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
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156.
Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here?Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a bus.Patient: What happened?Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?Patient: Give me the bad news first.Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
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157.
Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?A: In case they have to draw blood.
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158.
The Doctor was puzzled "Im very sorry but I cant diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. ""Dont worry about it Dr. Kelley, Ill come back when youre sober."
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159.
The ninety-year-old man was in for his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry an eighteen year old girl. "Now, Mr. Jenkins," the nurse practitioner warned, "you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt." The old man shrugged, "If she dies, she dies."
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161.
The patient shook his doctors hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.""That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? Id like to make a little change..."
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162.
The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?Doctor: Yes, that is true.P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?D: Yes, that is also true.P: So, in average, I live normally.
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163.
The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.""Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?""Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
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164.
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "Im afraid were going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.""Well, if its just because of them, Id rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."
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165.
There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left? Nine!
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166.
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. Its a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurses file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! Youve been admi tted to heaven ... for five days!"Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?"Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drinked its contents, saying, "Well, Ill run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."
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170.
Whats the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
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172.
Whats the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, itll probably stop whining.
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173.
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "Ive taken a course in first aid." The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, Im right here."
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174.
Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patients best side.
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