Divorce Jokes (31)

1. A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split thehouse. He got the outside.

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

2. A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself."Sorry, he doesnt live here anymore, were divorced!"Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! Were divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?""Oh, I know! I just cant hear it enough!"

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

3. A hillbilly walked into an attorneys office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you dont understand, do you have a case?" Hillbilly: "No, I dont have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. Thats where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning." Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?" Hillbilly: "No shes a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger . Thats why I want this dayvorce."

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

4. A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says shell see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "shes my mistress." "Well, thats the last straw," says the wife. "Ive had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Whos that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "Thats his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

5. A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husbands parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We dont necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Maam, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I dont want a divorce," she replied. "Ive never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he cant communicate with me!"

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

6. A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.""Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?What is the big deal about a two-story house?"The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is I have a headache and the other story is Its that time of the month.

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

7. A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and hes a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until hes up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there an ything you want?" The husband says, "No, Ive got everything I need right here." She asks, "Whats that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "Ive got the airbag!"

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

8. A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasnt planning on spending that much."

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

9. A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a divorce." The judge says, "Youve been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?" The couple say in unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

10. An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We cant stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "Were sick of each other, and Im sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell theyre getting divorced," she shouts, "Ill take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Dont do a single thing until I get there. Im calling my brother back, and well both be there tomorrow. Until then, dont do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif e. "Okay," he says, "theyre coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

11. Definition of Divorce: The future tense of marriage.

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

12. Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

13. I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife wont give him adivorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him ahappy man.

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

14. Miss DeAngelo was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star. She didnt find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward. "Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the other woman in her husbands life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?""Well, yes," acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff, "but I couldnt help it." "Couldnt help it?" asked the lawyer derisively. "Hows that?" "Mr. Evans deceived me." "Exactly what do you mean?""See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the motel clerk I was his wife."

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

15. Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for a divorce from her husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She testified hed stepped out "for a beer" on the Fourth of July, 1917, and had never come back.

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

16. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.He thought he was God, and I didnt.

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

17. Q. What do a hurricane, a tornado, and aredneck divorce all have in common? A. Someones going to lose their trailer...

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

18. Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None, the sockets go with the house.

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

19. Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. The sockets all went with the house.

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

20. Q: Why do divorced men get married again?A: Bad memory.

Added over 10 years ago in Divorce jokes  

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