Beauty Jokes
1. "My boyfriend says I look like a dishy Italian!"said Miss Conceited.Then hes right said her little brother.Sophia Loren?"No-spaghetti!

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2. A little boy came running into the kitchen. Dad, dad he said, theres a monster at the door with a really ugly faceTell him youve already got one, said his father !

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3. A monster went to the doctor with a branch growing out of his head."Hmmm," said the doctor. "Ive no idea what it is." The next week the branch was covered in leaves and blossom. "Im stumped," said the doctor, "but you can try taking these pills." When the monster came back a month later the branch had grown into a tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small pond, surrounded by trees and bushes, all of them on top of his head. "Ah!" said the doctor, "I know what it is. Youve got a beauty spot."

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4. A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star. "Nothing," replied the assistant. "Nothing?" she asked, "but how can I look like a film star?" "Havent you seen a film called The Creature from the Black Lagoon?" replied the assistant.

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5. A woman went to a sweet store to buy some sweets. The boy behind the counter said "Gosh, your ugly arent you?, Ive never seen anyone so hideous as you before""Young man" she replied. " I didnt come here to be insulted""Really", he said, "Where do you usually go ?"

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6. Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance ?Man: It did for a while - then it fell off.

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7. Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back.Will: Pity its not on her head.

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8. Did you hear about the girl monster who wasnt pretty and wasnt ugly ?She was pretty ugly

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9. Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness? She finished it in two.

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10. Dont look out of the window, Betty, people will think its Halloween.

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11. First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think thats vanity? Second girl: No, its imagination.

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12. First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor yesterday. I was there for three hours. Second Witch: Oh, what did you have done? First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an estimate.

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13. First witch: My beauty is timeless. Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.

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14. Fred keeps telling me that hes going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world. Oh, what a shame! And youve been engaged for such a long time!

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15. Fred: Whats that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders? Harry: Help! What is it? Fred: Your head!

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16. Girlfriend: Will you love me when Im old and fat and ugly?Boyfriend: Of course I do !

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17. I cant understand why people say my girlfriends legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks - but they certainly dont match.

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18. I dont think these photographs youve taken do me justice.You dont want justice - you want mercy !

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19. Im not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But thats the problem - you dont please anyone.

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20. Ive just come back from the beauty parlour. Pity it was closed!

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21. Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. I thought it was love at first sight, said Julie. It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.

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22. Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the worldWhat was I wearing ?

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23. Little Johnny and his mother were on a train. Johnny leant over and started to whisper in his mothers ear.Johnny, how many times have I told you, said his mother, its rude to whisper. If you have something to say, say it out loud.OK, said Johnny, why does the lady over there look like an ugly, haggard old witch ?

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24. Mary: Do you think my sisters pretty ?Gary: Well, lets just say if you pulled her pigtail shed probably say oink, oink !

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25. Monster: Im so ugly. Ghost: Its not that bad! Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out cigars. When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes. When I was born they simply passed out.

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26. Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week. Mrs Baggy: Tried to? Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldnt find a crane strong enough to lift her face!

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27. My boyfriend thinks Im beautifulWell they do say that love is blind !

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28. My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.

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29. People keep telling me Im beautiful. What vivid imaginations some people have.

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30. Shes so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.

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31. Shes the kind of girl that boys look at twice - they cant believe it the first time.

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32. They say Margaret is a raving beauty. You mean shes escaped from the funny farm?

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33. Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom. One said, I took my girlfriend to see The bride of Dracula last night.Oh yeah, said the other, what was she like ?Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs.The other said, Yes, but what was The Bride of Dracula like ?

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34. What did the really ugly man do for a living ?He posed for Halloween masks !

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35. What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter? The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.

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36. What is yellow and goes click-click? A ball-point banana.Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older? Wizard: With luck, yes. Witch:

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37. Where is everyone beautiful?In the dark.

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38. Who won the Monster Beauty Contest? No one.

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39. Your ugly.And youre drunk.Yes, but in the morning Ill be sober !

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