Bar Jokes Beer Booze And Fun (119)

1. "Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

2. "I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and Ill never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "Thats a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?" "She wouldnt eat the mushrooms!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

3. "Shhaaayyy, buddy, whats a Breathalyzer?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool. "Well, Id have to say that its a bag that tells you when youve drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, whaddya know? Ive been married to one of those for years!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

4. "Shhaaayyy, buddy, whats a Breathalyzer?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool."Well, Id have to say that its a bag that tells you when youve drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent."Ah hell, whaddya know? Ive been married to one of those for years!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

5. A brain walks into a bar and says, "Ill have a pint of beer please."The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I cant serve you.""Why not?" askes the brain."Youre already out of your head."

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

6. A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didnt dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

7. A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then Im against it.But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then Im for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

8. A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, How is this possible? The guy says,Tonight Im the designated decoy.

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

9. A cowboy walks in to a bar and says," I want a beer." So after he drank his beer he was about to leave then he noticed that his horse was gone.He shouted," if i dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna have to do what i did in Georgia. So he finished his beer and he saw his horse was back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked out the window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home.

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

10. A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, Id see four!" The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "Youre drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isnt coming in, its going out!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

11. A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, Im Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, Im Jesus Christ. So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, No, son, Im Jesus Christ. The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, youre here again?

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

12. A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk. "Im looking for my car, and I cant find it." "So how does feeling the roof help you?" He asked the drunk. "Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

13. A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.When he enters his house, he doesnt want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldnt have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didnt know he was hurt.A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morn ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Whered you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? Thats a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

14. A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club."Youll be driving later," replies the bartender.

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

15. A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didnt want to face the mans irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But b efore he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.Hes been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

16. A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet."Is this where Frank lives?" one of the drunks asked."Yes, it is," the woman replied."Well then," said the drunk, "Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

17. A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtles one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "Whats wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. Ill bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking its an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... Told you itll be there before your dog!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

18. A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"The girl says, "I dont like this song, but even if I did, I wouldnt dance with you."The guy says, "Im sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

19. A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"Im sorry sir, but I cant serve you...youve already had too much to drink." The guy swears and walks out of the bar. Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer. Again the bartender says,"Im sorry, sir...but I cant serve you...youve already had too much to drink!" Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. Again, the bartender says to the man..."Im really sorry, sir, but youve had too much to drink...youre going to have to leave!" The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God, man... How many bars do you work at?!!!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

20. A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didnt have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldnt pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replyed "Youre violent when youre drunk!"

Added over 10 years ago in Bar jokes beer booze and fun  

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